Meeting the Real Needs of Your Teen

  What really motivates teenagers? If you’re like me, when you watch teen-oriented media like DeGrassi, Skins, or Glee, it’s easy to conclude that teens desire sex, alcohol, and money. Certainly each of these vices are unhealthy traps that teens fall into, but a new study shows that none of these options are what teens seek most.

  A study published in the Journal of Personality concludes that what most satisfies a teen’s longings is getting a boost to their self-esteem. Lead author Brad Bushman said, “It is somewhat surprising how the desire to feel worthy and valuable trumps almost any other pleasant activity you can imagine.” Other studies have shown that the people teens most want to spent time with and admire is their parents. That should give us great hope for a fulfilling relationship with our teens. After all, it’s you they want to hear from--not the latest teen celebrity idol.

  Regardless of age, here are a few practical ways you can speak into your teen and build their self-worth.

• When you introduce them to your friends or co-workers, tell your peers something about who your teen really is, not just that they belong to you.

• When in social situations with your adult peers and your teen is present, periodically ask them their opinion and include them in the conversation.

• Write your teen a note or letter of encouragement when they are making big decisions or facing challenges.

• Let them know how and what you are praying for them.

• On their birthday, make the first “gift” a verbal one--something you speak into them concerning how you’ve seen them grow or what you love about them.

• When you deal with discipline issues, make the focus one of the heart rather than merely honing in on bad behavior.

Is Teen Drinking at Home a Safer Alternative?

      The issue of teen drinking continues to be a source of pain and broken trust for many parents. I’ve seen a growing number of parents  respond to the issue by making the home a “safe haven” for drinking alcohol. The rationale is, “teens are going to drink alcohol. I don’t won’t them to get hurt of hurt someone else on the road. I would rather them drink in my home where at least I can control it.”

A new study in the Journal of Studies on Alcohol and Drugs would disagree with that “logic.” The study showed that teens from families with supervision drinking may have higher drinking rates and more future alcohol-related problems than teens from a family whose parents took a “zero tolerance” approach. Researchers also found that the younger students were when they first started drinking, the more likely they were to continue drinking.      Contrary to the parent’s intention, teens in homes where alcohol was supervised did not seem to learn safety or responsibility in drinking. Instead the parents actions were taken by the teens as encouragement to drink alcohol.     There is another issue at hand as well. If you do serve alcohol in your home to a minor who is not your child, even if your intentions are good, you are breaking the law. There is no exception.

     How to Address Alcohol with Your Teen:

 1. Calmly and Clearly Define the Boundaries for Your Home. Leave to ambiguity when it comes to trust and consequences.

 2. Set the Bar High. Explain your expectations for your teenager. Help them understand  future consequences of present choices.

3. Use Scripture as your standard. The two issues are self-control and authority.

4. Be honest about your own struggles or failures as a teen.
 
5. You Have Their Best Interest at Heart. Make sure they understand that if they ever make a mistake, you want to be the person they call.


Source: Journal of Studies on Alcohol and Drugs, May, 2011.

How Young is Too Young on Facebook

Our son turns thirteen in two weeks. With the big date we officially say "goodbye" to childhood and dive into the teen years. It's also the day our son is wanting an answer to his yearlong question, "Can I have a Facebook page?" It's a question thousands of parents have to answer everyday.

So far for us it's been an easy question to answer. Facebook's registration requirement states that a person must be at least thirteen years old in order to have an account. Apparently, Facebook is getting more serious about keeping kids safe online by keeping them off of their site. I recently read that Facebook removes 20,000 under age thirteen profiles from their site each day.

It would be easy to say, "Who really cares? Who would ever know?" But there are several reasons why it matters. For one I would know...and my son would know. I've been teaching him that integrity is what you do even when no one is watching or will ever know. And that character is created by the small decisions we make. So to tell a small lie when no one will know and no one will get hurt, yeah, it still matters.

Admittedly, I've been a rebel my whole life. One of those types that questions everything and always wants to know "why" with any rule that is put before me. I want my kids to have a little of that independence and willingness to take risks but I also want them to see authority differently than I did. We want to teach our kids how to live under proper authority and that reasonable rules are a healthy part of life. It's not like Facebook has said, "You can't ever be on here," nor have we said that. They've simply said, "Not yet."

Sometimes delayed gratification can be even more satisfying than immediate pleasure. In a culture where most everything is instantaneous, won't it be worth it to wait just a few more precious weeks for Facebook?

By saying "No, not yet" has also given us a prolonged period of time to model for our son (and daughter who is right on his heels) how to use Facebook properly. We've had many conversations about what not to post online, being mindful of your comments to others online, and how quickly posts and photos can be picked up and reposted by others. Now he seems prepared for the plunge instead of being thrown in and figuring it out along the way.

I know many of you are in (or have been) in a similar situation. I'd love to know your thoughts on this issue. How have you navigated this issue with your teen or tween?

Why MTV Skins Resonates with Teens

MTV's Skins Resonates with Teens But is the Real Reason Deeper than We See? by Brian Housman By now you've heard the uproar from parent groups protesting (and rightly so) the new MTV scripted hit teen drama, Skins. The show certainly hits all the right buttons to cause anxiety in even the hippest of parents. These are the same parents, myself included, who grew up under the theatrical tutelage of film maker John Hughes. We

didn't freak out over Anthony Michael Hall getting high in detention (Breakfast Club), Molly Ringwald going to a drunken party (Pretty in Pink) or Eric Stoltz blowing his college savings for a date (Some Kind of Wonderful).

As a matter in fact, we heralded Hughes as a genius who understood us as teenagers. Whether we were the jock, the nerd, the misfit or the invisible kid at school, finally someone was able to put into words how we all felt.

Now I'm hearing the same argument for Skins. Teens describe it as "nothing more than this generation's teen movie." Show creator Brian Elsley practically called it innocent. "Skins is a very simple and in fact rather old fashioned television series. It's about the lives and loves of teenagers, how they get through high school, how they deal with their friends, and also how they circumnavigate some of the complications of sex, relationships, educations, parents, drugs and alcohol," stated Elsley.

The writers of Skins, several purported to be nineteen-year-olds themselves, know teenagers and are able to put words to many of their struggles. Even so that doesn't excuse the rest of the show's content. The overt drug usage, blatant disregard for authority and unhealthy sexual relationships are not the proverbial fly in the ointment. They are the ointment. One can not simply gloss over the content because of the beneficial insights into teen culture.

So is Skins as innocent as Elsley makes it out to be? And even if it's not, is there anything we can learn from it?

Pushing the Limits

With its display of marijuana smoking, pharmaceutical drug usage and excessive drunkenness and sexuality, Skins shows teenagers in situations living without any sense of boundaries. To say there are no limits to their activities is not far from reality. Besides the teen lesbian kissing and discussions of sexual partners, the real "pushing the envelope" part of the show is this is the first US show to show teens in these types of situations in which the actors themselves are teens. The voyeuristic and jumpy camera angles give the show a reality show feel making it appear even more lifelike.

Case in point is episode 3. The episode focuses on Chris as he discovers his mother is out of town for a few days. She leaves him an envelope with a thousand dollars and a note telling him not to get into trouble. He uses the money to buy black market Viagra and other drugs then throws a party to end all parties with the rest of the money. He has an adverse reaction to the drugs that leads to an extended erection that is visible to all throughout the episode. When everyone is gone the next day he gets locked out of his house while naked and proceeds to walk down the street with his backside exposed to the camera (remember the actor is a minor).

While cleaning up his house from the party (and getting clothes from a friend), Chris discovers that his mother isn't gone for a few days. She is gone forever and left him alone. At first the thought brings him elation but that quickly gives way to fear, embarrassment and depression.

Understanding the Teen Heart

At a casual glance it's easy to conclude that all of the above activities are what gives the show it's high ratings among teens. But perhaps it's the show's insight into how teenagers attempt to deal with the brokenness of their lives. Don't misunderstand. I find the at-risk teen sexual activity deplorable, and the writer's portrayal of the character's actions as normal and "old-fashioned" inexcusable. Yes, some teenagers do drugs and yes, some teenagers have sex but Skins makes it seem as if this is what all (or even a majority) of teenagers do when no study bares this out.

With its flawed portrayal of teens, Skins still dials in on what is at the heart of teenagers--a need for belonging, purpose, and affirmation. There is a poignant scene when Chris realizes his mother is gone...for good. He is standing in front of his mother's empty wardrobe when he hears his friends coming up the stairs looking for him. He climbs into the wardrobe to hide from his approaching friends as a look of embarrassment and shame sweeps across his face. Shame that maybe he isn't good enough to have a mother love him. Shame that maybe it's him who is broken and not her.

Later, sitting on the ground, Chris describes a memory as a kid when his brother saved him from public humiliation. He had wet his pants while being bullied. His older brother saw him in distress, took him into a public bathroom, and gave Chris his shorts to wear. Chris concludes, "It was the best day of my life," as the camera pans back to see him sitting next to his brother's graveside. The sense of loss and abandonment becomes very concrete.

The episode closes with Chris showing up at his teacher's house. We learn that he is attracted to his teacher but that's not the reason he is there. Instead, Chris is hoping she might be the one adult that could give him stability and structure. The one that would treat him like a real person.

This is the real draw of Skins. Sure the sex, drugs and alcohol are what we see, but its the insight into the fears, failures and dysfunctions of teens that pull them in and says, "I get you."

Moving Beyond the Shock Factor

To compare Skins to an 80's teen flick is a stretch. Likewise, to call Skins a realistic portrayal of the teen experience is simply irresponsible and belittles the lives of actual teens. But teens need to be understood and heard. And for a long time MTV has attempted to keep a pulse on teen culture. In many regards they have done a better job than we have as parents. What if it were us as parents and responsible adults that did a better job of relating to teens? What if we said, "I get you. I receive you. I hear you." Instead of turning to pop culture to find someone who understands them, they could turn to us. After all, what they so long for is an actual relationship with a real person who values them to begin with.

Shifting Into Neutral

Shift: | SH ift | verb: to change one's emphasis, direction, or focus. That pretty well describes what all of our lives are life this time of year. We shift from swimming pools into the school calendar. We shift from summer break into work projects. We shift from missions trip and summer camps straight into another full slate of ministry responsibilities. It's almost as if we never stop. We've somehow conditioned ourselves that going from one activities to the next is a good thing. If you've ever driven a stick shift car, you know how much different the experience is from an automatic. You

take off faster from the stop lights, you accelerate quicker out of traffic, but best of all, you are in control of what the engine does. With an automatic it's all so...well, automatic. There is no thinking involved. The car just does it all for you. But with an a stick (or standard) you get to decide when the engine shifts gears. I believe God has made life to be the same way. Instead of letting our calendars, activities and projects (all of which may be good things) control our pace, we must figure out how and when to go from one event to the next. Otherwise, we lose our joy in the journey. I regularly meet parents who love their kids but resent their every-other-weekend soccer tournaments. I meet pastors who love ministry but loathe the endless church calendar of events. Somewhere along the way they end up feeling trapped by life. But God meant for life to be full and exciting and rewarding.

There is one other small details about a stick shift engine that go easily unnoticed. Whenever you shift the engine from one gear to the next there is a brief second when the engine is in neutral. The car doesn't just amp itself up from zero to sixty. It goes something like this: You hit the accelerator, the car speeds up, it gets to a maximum speed in that gear so you shift [pause] and suddenly the car is able to go even faster.

Far too often in our lives we go from one activity to the next fueling ourselves from the rush of the last event thinking we are somehow superhuman and have an endless reservoir of energy. We miss the importance of the pause. That brief moment to shift into neutral. To catch our breath. To reflect on why we are even on this journey in the first place.

The Missing Seventh Day

God himself is our example of how to enjoy the pause. We all know the story. It's one of the first story you learn if you grew up in church: in six day God created the earth, then on the seventh day He rested. It's not just the story of how the earth was created. It also speaks into the rhythm of creation and what should be a healthy rhythm for us as well.

Creativity and Productivity are a good thing. But in order to take full advantage of the creativity, gifts, and abilities God has given me, I must be willing to rest and enjoy the pause. If I don't let my engine have that brief second to shift into neutral, it would burn out the engine. I'm realizing that the same is true of my life.

I wish I could say I've got this whole thing figured out but I don't. Just like most people, I easily fall back into a routine of letting my day control me instead of me controlling my day. But the past few years have been a great exercise in trying to be a different kind of family. One that finds time to invest in one another. One that stops and enjoys a book or game together. One that doesn't feel the need to always be "on the go." It's a shift I love more every week.