Shifting Into Neutral

Shift: | SH ift | verb: to change one's emphasis, direction, or focus. That pretty well describes what all of our lives are life this time of year. We shift from swimming pools into the school calendar. We shift from summer break into work projects. We shift from missions trip and summer camps straight into another full slate of ministry responsibilities. It's almost as if we never stop. We've somehow conditioned ourselves that going from one activities to the next is a good thing. If you've ever driven a stick shift car, you know how much different the experience is from an automatic. You

take off faster from the stop lights, you accelerate quicker out of traffic, but best of all, you are in control of what the engine does. With an automatic it's all so...well, automatic. There is no thinking involved. The car just does it all for you. But with an a stick (or standard) you get to decide when the engine shifts gears. I believe God has made life to be the same way. Instead of letting our calendars, activities and projects (all of which may be good things) control our pace, we must figure out how and when to go from one event to the next. Otherwise, we lose our joy in the journey. I regularly meet parents who love their kids but resent their every-other-weekend soccer tournaments. I meet pastors who love ministry but loathe the endless church calendar of events. Somewhere along the way they end up feeling trapped by life. But God meant for life to be full and exciting and rewarding.

There is one other small details about a stick shift engine that go easily unnoticed. Whenever you shift the engine from one gear to the next there is a brief second when the engine is in neutral. The car doesn't just amp itself up from zero to sixty. It goes something like this: You hit the accelerator, the car speeds up, it gets to a maximum speed in that gear so you shift [pause] and suddenly the car is able to go even faster.

Far too often in our lives we go from one activity to the next fueling ourselves from the rush of the last event thinking we are somehow superhuman and have an endless reservoir of energy. We miss the importance of the pause. That brief moment to shift into neutral. To catch our breath. To reflect on why we are even on this journey in the first place.

The Missing Seventh Day

God himself is our example of how to enjoy the pause. We all know the story. It's one of the first story you learn if you grew up in church: in six day God created the earth, then on the seventh day He rested. It's not just the story of how the earth was created. It also speaks into the rhythm of creation and what should be a healthy rhythm for us as well.

Creativity and Productivity are a good thing. But in order to take full advantage of the creativity, gifts, and abilities God has given me, I must be willing to rest and enjoy the pause. If I don't let my engine have that brief second to shift into neutral, it would burn out the engine. I'm realizing that the same is true of my life.

I wish I could say I've got this whole thing figured out but I don't. Just like most people, I easily fall back into a routine of letting my day control me instead of me controlling my day. But the past few years have been a great exercise in trying to be a different kind of family. One that finds time to invest in one another. One that stops and enjoys a book or game together. One that doesn't feel the need to always be "on the go." It's a shift I love more every week.

Keeping Your Teen Safe on New Year's Eve

Keeping Your Teen Safe on New Year's Eve Tips To Make Sure the Big Party is Good For Your Teen by Brian Housman Even for teens that typically make good decisions, New Year’s Eve can become a night of bad choices. From party hopping to excess alcohol to poor adult supervision--a New Year’s Eve Party might be a parent’s worst nightmare. There are several reasons why "good kids" end up doing bad things on New Year's. One is the cultural/social mystique associated with New Year's Eve. Generations of movies, TV shows, and school gossip have built up the New Year Eve party as the end all of parties. It's sort of like the mid-year prom where everyone is expected to hook up with someone, drink lots of alcohol, and dance the night away. All the build up puts pressure on teens, particularly girls, that "I must have a date" or at the very least be kissed. And who cares if you like him or not at least Father Time didn't find you all alone. The second reason to be careful of New Years is because many teens see it as a release from the norm and excuse to do things out of the ordinary. A teen might think, "I've made great grades this semester. I deserve to live it up for a night," or even "So what if I drink too much. With all my friends around nothing will happen to me." The problem is not one normal kid who ends up doing something foolish. It's the culmination of so many of them at one time acting foolish that causes problems.

Look for a Way to Say "Yes" to Party

Just because it is a potentially dangerous night doesn't mean teens shouldn't be allowed to party. But perhaps you can party in a different way than what we saw in the movies growing up. Or worse, what we did ourselves growing up.

Who your teen parties with and where the party is is not as important to him/her as the fact that they want to party period. So instead of letting them wander out the door with their friends why not keep them at your house. If my son asks me if he can have his own New Years Eve party or go out with his friends to a party, my answer will always be, "Heck yeah, let's have a party here!" I would much rather him play host to a bunch of his friends, and me be the invisible servant, than I would him be anywhere else. I know it will get the house messy and I know I will be up late and I know I won't get as much sleep but believe me it is MUCH BETTER than the alternative.

Another option is to have a multifamily party. The past three years our family has jointed together with a dozen other families to have an incredible New Years Blast. The adults take over the living room for games, food, and conversation while the teens and kids herd themselves off in another part of the house for their own party. It's been so much fun being able to spend the New Years with friends knowing that my kids are having a great time on their own just a few rooms over. This way we all arrive together, we all go home together, they get space to have fun their own way, and EVERYBODY IS SAFE.

If your teen going out to a party without you is the only option, then there are some things you must do to make this as safe as possible. Sit down with them before agreeing to let them go. Explain that him/her having time with friends is important to you as well but you want to make sure it is a positive experience for all. Having him get left at a strange house while his friends moved on to another party is not a positive experience. Nor is you having to sit up until 2AM worried if everything is okay. He has to first agree to some common sense safety tips. Explain that you expect these to be followed not because you are a stick in the mud but because these are things any responsible person would do. Make them look you in the eyes and say with their mouth that they agree to these simple measures. Print these off for your teen. Read over them together. Maybe even have them initial each one as a way I saying, "I agree."

Teen Tips for New Year's Safety

_____ 1. Know Your Destination.
You must know where you are going, how you plan to get there, and when you plan to arrive. Your parent needs a phone call when you arrive so they know you got there.

_____ 2. Stay Off the Road.
Traffic accidents are the #1 cause of death among your peers. We all want you to have a great time and not become a statistic. Even if you are a safe driver, it's not you that is the problem. It's all the other people out there out there who drank a little too much.

_____ 3. Alcohol is Off Limits.
For one it is illegal for you. Two, of all nights for you to possibly drink this is the worst. The pressure for you to fit in, party like there is no tomorrow, and to "hook up" with someone are a bad recipe to add alcohol to. Every year there are more than 50,000 alcohol related sexual assaults toward teens and young adults. We don't want you to be one of them.

_____ 4. Don't Accept Drinks from Others.
This is not about alcohol. It is about any kind of drink. It is now a common practice at large parties for drinks to get "spiked" with everything from alcohol to illegal and prescription drugs. The best bet is to take your own water bottle and only drink from it. If you drink something at the party, pour it yourself. If you put it down for any reason and come back, get a fresh drink.

_____ 5. Leave With Who You Came With
This is a great way for your group to watch out for one another. Get everyone in your group to agree together that you all leave together. This also helps one of your friends from getting talked into "hooking up" with someone, leaving without anyone knowing, and regretting it forever after.

_____ 6. Call If You Change Locations.
Except for an emergency you should stay at the same place. No party hopping. Hopping from party to party only puts you back on the road with the "crazies" and creates an escalation in your mind that the next party has to get bigger and better. This leads to people (or you) creating unsafe scenarios for fun. If for some reason you have to leave for another location, call your parent so they know in case there is an emergency.

_____ 7. Call As You Head Home
Mom and Dad don't care what time it is (even if you missed curfew), they want to know when to be expecting you. If hours go by without a call from you, then they will worry. Remember all of these tips are so this party is a positive experience for everyone

_____ 8. Look Out for the Safety of Your Friends
Even if you are doing everything right doesn't mean all your friends (or other guests) will. Make sure no one is trying to take advantage of your friend or trying to get them to do something stupid. If your friend does drink do not, repeat DO NOT let them leave with keys in their hand. In that moment it's not about you being popular. It's about making sure your friend makes it home.

___________________________________________________

Here is a recent interview I did on FOX News GMM talking about these safety tips. Feel free to forward this posting to other parents of teens. Let's make sure this New Years is safe and positive for all of our teens.

When Your Teen Loves a Vampire

When Your Teen Loves a Vampire Responding to Teen's Attraction to Fang Fiction by Brian Housman Vampires are one of the biggest obsessions with teens now--in films, books, teenzines or the internet. The fact that more than 1,000 screens were sold out for the midnight showing debut of The Twilight Saga: New Moon should speak for itself. The film had the highest per-screen sold-out premiere in motion picture history. The popularity of Stephanie Meyer’s books (and movies) have caused a surge in fang fiction, but they are by no means the only example. Three books on the New York Times Best Seller list for young adult fiction are vampire related. In recent years, writers like P.C. Cast (House of Night), Melissa De La Cruz (Blue Bloods), and L. J. Smith

(Vampire Diaries) have experienced unexpected popularity among teens. Vampire Diaries was picked up by The CW and made into a TV series that has been the top rated show among teens this year.

What's Up With all the Darkness?

The question many parents keep emailing me is: Why the attraction with darkness? After all, we are talking about the undead. What could possibly be so appealing about coffins and fangs? If that’s what you’re thinking as well, then you are not alone, but you obviously have not seen or read about these vamps for yourself.

One draw for teens is their ability to relate to the struggles of the characters. In Vampire Diaries, siblings Elena and Jeremy are dealing with the tragic death of their parents. To cope, one turns to drugs and the other become introspective and depressed. Blue Bloods features Schuyler, a nonconformist who is treated liked an outsider at school. In the Twilight series, Bella Swan is a new girl at school trying to figure out life with a single Dad. When she meets the mysterious Edward Cullen (vampire) there is an immediate attraction.

Sexual tension is a common theme in vamp fiction and another reason teens are drawn to the genre. The sexual situation gets more intense depending on the series. The physical attraction in Twilight between Edward and Bella becomes an ongoing conversation between the two and a significant part of their relationship as the story progresses. In the Sookie Stackhouse series by Charlaine Harris, deviant sexual practices are a common element. In the Vampire Diaries book series by L.J. Smith, sexual tension is not nearly as intense as it becomes in the TV series. The same is true of Sookie.

A third major theme is the issue of self control. Both Twilight and Vampire Diaries have male leads that attempt to harness their animalistic urges. Edward and Stefan know they must have blood to survive, but they each choose not to become savages prone to murder. Instead, they opt for nonhuman substitutes (deer or other wildlife). They both learn to control their super human strength, choosing to use the ability to protect people rather than exploit them. In the Twilight series, Edward also exercises self-control when he makes it clear to Bella that he will not have sex with her unless they are married. Stefan in the Vampire Diaries does not hold to the same standard, but shows a measure of loyalty to Elena. Another primary character in Twilight: New Moon has to learn to control his temper, strength, and anger as he goes through his own type of puberty. Did I mention he is a werewolf?

The Good With The Bad

This is not to say that all is rosy in the world of the undead. There is plenty of violence, obsession with sex, blurred lines between good and evil, inconsistent moral standards, and the devaluing of human life (unless a vampire happens to be in love with you).

For anyone venturing into the vampire genre, sexual tension is unavoidable. That tension can be more easily felt in reading a book rather than watching a movie because your mind allows you to fill in the blanks and your own imagination takes over. It is imperative that you be a part of that experience with your teen and not set them to figure out those sexual boundaries on their own.

Most teens girls I’ve spoken to have already either seen or read one the Twilight books. Many of the older teens have moved on to other series. My encouragement would be that if your daughter reads any of these, then read them together. It is easy for girls to get lost in the fantasy and romance of the stories. It is not a far stretch to idealize someone like Edward or Stefan into the perfect boyfriend. They are loyal, protective, understanding, masculine, and extremely attractive. There is opportunity to talk about relationships issues such as what to look for in a boyfriend, while maintaining your own identity when dating. Your sixteen year old daughter may look at you with suspicious eyes if you start a random conversation about her boyfriend but you just might get somewhere asking her who would make a better boyfriend Edward or Jacob? Using a little honey could get you the same results.

One overriding principle for parents to remember: just because it’s out doesn’t mean your teen should watch or read it. You and your teen should judge together whether or not the elements in a movie like New Moon could lead them into a productive experience, or if it’s something to avoid altogether.

Book Release - Engaging Your Teens World

It was three years in the making and went through more than six rewrites but it's finally here.
So many of you have been great supporters (and beneficiaries) of Awake to Life. Now I need your help one more time. Go out and get your copy today.
Even if you were one of the lucky ones to get a press copy, go ahead and pick up another for a friend. Once you read it, write a review online for others to know what you thought of the book.

You can find a copy at the following brick and mortar stores:

• Barnes & Noble
• Border's
• Books a Million
• Lifeway
• Family Christian Bookstore
• best of all, try a local independent book seller
  

Or check online at sites such as:

• Amazon
• Barnes & Noble
• Christianbooks
• Abesbooks

Click here for a detailed write up of the book.
To schedule a book signing or media interview please call Caitlin Mackenzie at Brazos Press at 616.676.9185 x392

The Moral Superiority of Teens

The Moral Temperament of Teens Most Teens Feel They are Morally Superior to Their Peers by Brian Housman "Pride leads to disgrace, but with humility comes wisdom." Proverbs 11.2 The Josephson Institute has released their biannual Report Card on the Ethics of American Youth. It was easy enough to plow through the details not finding the results all that shocking. At least not until I got to the end. Don't worry I'll get to some of the juicy findings every parent hates to hear. But before that let's get back to the finale.

The Nitty Gritty of Teens Choices

After admitting their own ethical shortcomings, teens revealed that on a personal level "when it comes to doing what is right, I believe I am better than most people." This was stated by 93% of teens! Another 77% said they were "satisfied with my personal ethics and character." In short the majority of teenagers believe that they are good enough. What is shocking is comparing this admission of their personal ethical superiority to their own ethical choices.

STEALING - 30% of teens admit to stealing from a store in the past year (35% of boys, 26% of girls). Students involved in service groups and school leadership were less likely to steal but still more than 1 in 4 did so. 1 in 4 also admitted stealing from a parent and 1 in 5 stealing from a friend. There was no significant difference among those who attended private religious schools with 1 in 5 of these students admitting to being thieves as well.

LYING - This year 42% of all teenagers lied in order to save money. Apparently, saving a few dollars was worth more than their own integrity. There is a significant difference between guys and girls when it comes to lying. 49% of guys and 36% lied to save money. When it comes to gaining trust with parents, more than 80% of all public and private school students admit to lying to their parents.

CHEATING - This area of morality suffered the greatest increase from past studies. This can be largely contributed to the number of teens who have cell phones and use them for cheating. 64% of teens admit to cheating on a test in the past year. 38% did so more than once. There was no significant difference among private religious school students with 63% cheating. 35% used their cell phone for cheating. Among those who did 26% stored answers in their phone to use in the class room and another 25% texted answers to friends.

It's All About the Heart

It would be easy as a parent to loose site of the root of this kind of behavior. Sure none of us want our teens stealing, lying, or cheating but the problem is not the stealing, lying, or cheating. That might be what the get punished for is they get caught but there is a much deeper seated issue--the condition of their heart.

Playright Tennessee Williams said, "The human heart is curved like a road through mountains." Proverbs 21.2 says, "All a man's ways seem right to him, but the LORD weighs the heart." The heart is at the root of it all.

It's not so much their behavior that alarms me as it is the fact that teens believe they are "better than most people." There is an arrogance, a moral superiority at play in their heart. I know from becoming acutely attuned to my own brokenness and dysfunction that my own unwillingness to see my sin for what it is only lead me to becoming my own demigod. Why would I need God because, hey, I'm good enough. And since I'm better than most, I have the right to stand in judgment over those who are lesser. It produces a haughtiness that leads to rot.

This is the heart posturing of this generation of teens. Those raised from a modern worldview perspective would call this moral decay. Those from a postmodern perspective would likely call it a moral shift or moral clarification. Instead of a moral plum line we now have a curved road to paraphrase T. Williams. As this generation attempts to define what is cheating everything from peers to technology to the situation have a bearing on the definition. The curvier the answer becomes from what God intended the easier it is for me to become morally superior.

My heart hurts for this generation and where I know their choices will lead. Proverbs 11.2 tells us that, "moral pride leads to disgrace." But I choose not to be the judge that tries to bring about that disgrace. That is God's job. Rather I believe our role as pastors, parents, and friends is to model for them a "humility from wisdom." Wisdom that comes from our own experiences of being disciplined by God. Wisdom that allows me to see that apart from God's grace I too easily fall onto the curved road myself.