Is Teen Drinking at Home a Safer Alternative?

      The issue of teen drinking continues to be a source of pain and broken trust for many parents. I’ve seen a growing number of parents  respond to the issue by making the home a “safe haven” for drinking alcohol. The rationale is, “teens are going to drink alcohol. I don’t won’t them to get hurt of hurt someone else on the road. I would rather them drink in my home where at least I can control it.”

A new study in the Journal of Studies on Alcohol and Drugs would disagree with that “logic.” The study showed that teens from families with supervision drinking may have higher drinking rates and more future alcohol-related problems than teens from a family whose parents took a “zero tolerance” approach. Researchers also found that the younger students were when they first started drinking, the more likely they were to continue drinking.      Contrary to the parent’s intention, teens in homes where alcohol was supervised did not seem to learn safety or responsibility in drinking. Instead the parents actions were taken by the teens as encouragement to drink alcohol.     There is another issue at hand as well. If you do serve alcohol in your home to a minor who is not your child, even if your intentions are good, you are breaking the law. There is no exception.

     How to Address Alcohol with Your Teen:

 1. Calmly and Clearly Define the Boundaries for Your Home. Leave to ambiguity when it comes to trust and consequences.

 2. Set the Bar High. Explain your expectations for your teenager. Help them understand  future consequences of present choices.

3. Use Scripture as your standard. The two issues are self-control and authority.

4. Be honest about your own struggles or failures as a teen.
 
5. You Have Their Best Interest at Heart. Make sure they understand that if they ever make a mistake, you want to be the person they call.


Source: Journal of Studies on Alcohol and Drugs, May, 2011.

How Young is Too Young on Facebook

Our son turns thirteen in two weeks. With the big date we officially say "goodbye" to childhood and dive into the teen years. It's also the day our son is wanting an answer to his yearlong question, "Can I have a Facebook page?" It's a question thousands of parents have to answer everyday.

So far for us it's been an easy question to answer. Facebook's registration requirement states that a person must be at least thirteen years old in order to have an account. Apparently, Facebook is getting more serious about keeping kids safe online by keeping them off of their site. I recently read that Facebook removes 20,000 under age thirteen profiles from their site each day.

It would be easy to say, "Who really cares? Who would ever know?" But there are several reasons why it matters. For one I would know...and my son would know. I've been teaching him that integrity is what you do even when no one is watching or will ever know. And that character is created by the small decisions we make. So to tell a small lie when no one will know and no one will get hurt, yeah, it still matters.

Admittedly, I've been a rebel my whole life. One of those types that questions everything and always wants to know "why" with any rule that is put before me. I want my kids to have a little of that independence and willingness to take risks but I also want them to see authority differently than I did. We want to teach our kids how to live under proper authority and that reasonable rules are a healthy part of life. It's not like Facebook has said, "You can't ever be on here," nor have we said that. They've simply said, "Not yet."

Sometimes delayed gratification can be even more satisfying than immediate pleasure. In a culture where most everything is instantaneous, won't it be worth it to wait just a few more precious weeks for Facebook?

By saying "No, not yet" has also given us a prolonged period of time to model for our son (and daughter who is right on his heels) how to use Facebook properly. We've had many conversations about what not to post online, being mindful of your comments to others online, and how quickly posts and photos can be picked up and reposted by others. Now he seems prepared for the plunge instead of being thrown in and figuring it out along the way.

I know many of you are in (or have been) in a similar situation. I'd love to know your thoughts on this issue. How have you navigated this issue with your teen or tween?

Why MTV Skins Resonates with Teens

MTV's Skins Resonates with Teens But is the Real Reason Deeper than We See? by Brian Housman By now you've heard the uproar from parent groups protesting (and rightly so) the new MTV scripted hit teen drama, Skins. The show certainly hits all the right buttons to cause anxiety in even the hippest of parents. These are the same parents, myself included, who grew up under the theatrical tutelage of film maker John Hughes. We

didn't freak out over Anthony Michael Hall getting high in detention (Breakfast Club), Molly Ringwald going to a drunken party (Pretty in Pink) or Eric Stoltz blowing his college savings for a date (Some Kind of Wonderful).

As a matter in fact, we heralded Hughes as a genius who understood us as teenagers. Whether we were the jock, the nerd, the misfit or the invisible kid at school, finally someone was able to put into words how we all felt.

Now I'm hearing the same argument for Skins. Teens describe it as "nothing more than this generation's teen movie." Show creator Brian Elsley practically called it innocent. "Skins is a very simple and in fact rather old fashioned television series. It's about the lives and loves of teenagers, how they get through high school, how they deal with their friends, and also how they circumnavigate some of the complications of sex, relationships, educations, parents, drugs and alcohol," stated Elsley.

The writers of Skins, several purported to be nineteen-year-olds themselves, know teenagers and are able to put words to many of their struggles. Even so that doesn't excuse the rest of the show's content. The overt drug usage, blatant disregard for authority and unhealthy sexual relationships are not the proverbial fly in the ointment. They are the ointment. One can not simply gloss over the content because of the beneficial insights into teen culture.

So is Skins as innocent as Elsley makes it out to be? And even if it's not, is there anything we can learn from it?

Pushing the Limits

With its display of marijuana smoking, pharmaceutical drug usage and excessive drunkenness and sexuality, Skins shows teenagers in situations living without any sense of boundaries. To say there are no limits to their activities is not far from reality. Besides the teen lesbian kissing and discussions of sexual partners, the real "pushing the envelope" part of the show is this is the first US show to show teens in these types of situations in which the actors themselves are teens. The voyeuristic and jumpy camera angles give the show a reality show feel making it appear even more lifelike.

Case in point is episode 3. The episode focuses on Chris as he discovers his mother is out of town for a few days. She leaves him an envelope with a thousand dollars and a note telling him not to get into trouble. He uses the money to buy black market Viagra and other drugs then throws a party to end all parties with the rest of the money. He has an adverse reaction to the drugs that leads to an extended erection that is visible to all throughout the episode. When everyone is gone the next day he gets locked out of his house while naked and proceeds to walk down the street with his backside exposed to the camera (remember the actor is a minor).

While cleaning up his house from the party (and getting clothes from a friend), Chris discovers that his mother isn't gone for a few days. She is gone forever and left him alone. At first the thought brings him elation but that quickly gives way to fear, embarrassment and depression.

Understanding the Teen Heart

At a casual glance it's easy to conclude that all of the above activities are what gives the show it's high ratings among teens. But perhaps it's the show's insight into how teenagers attempt to deal with the brokenness of their lives. Don't misunderstand. I find the at-risk teen sexual activity deplorable, and the writer's portrayal of the character's actions as normal and "old-fashioned" inexcusable. Yes, some teenagers do drugs and yes, some teenagers have sex but Skins makes it seem as if this is what all (or even a majority) of teenagers do when no study bares this out.

With its flawed portrayal of teens, Skins still dials in on what is at the heart of teenagers--a need for belonging, purpose, and affirmation. There is a poignant scene when Chris realizes his mother is gone...for good. He is standing in front of his mother's empty wardrobe when he hears his friends coming up the stairs looking for him. He climbs into the wardrobe to hide from his approaching friends as a look of embarrassment and shame sweeps across his face. Shame that maybe he isn't good enough to have a mother love him. Shame that maybe it's him who is broken and not her.

Later, sitting on the ground, Chris describes a memory as a kid when his brother saved him from public humiliation. He had wet his pants while being bullied. His older brother saw him in distress, took him into a public bathroom, and gave Chris his shorts to wear. Chris concludes, "It was the best day of my life," as the camera pans back to see him sitting next to his brother's graveside. The sense of loss and abandonment becomes very concrete.

The episode closes with Chris showing up at his teacher's house. We learn that he is attracted to his teacher but that's not the reason he is there. Instead, Chris is hoping she might be the one adult that could give him stability and structure. The one that would treat him like a real person.

This is the real draw of Skins. Sure the sex, drugs and alcohol are what we see, but its the insight into the fears, failures and dysfunctions of teens that pull them in and says, "I get you."

Moving Beyond the Shock Factor

To compare Skins to an 80's teen flick is a stretch. Likewise, to call Skins a realistic portrayal of the teen experience is simply irresponsible and belittles the lives of actual teens. But teens need to be understood and heard. And for a long time MTV has attempted to keep a pulse on teen culture. In many regards they have done a better job than we have as parents. What if it were us as parents and responsible adults that did a better job of relating to teens? What if we said, "I get you. I receive you. I hear you." Instead of turning to pop culture to find someone who understands them, they could turn to us. After all, what they so long for is an actual relationship with a real person who values them to begin with.

Shifting Into Neutral

Shift: | SH ift | verb: to change one's emphasis, direction, or focus. That pretty well describes what all of our lives are life this time of year. We shift from swimming pools into the school calendar. We shift from summer break into work projects. We shift from missions trip and summer camps straight into another full slate of ministry responsibilities. It's almost as if we never stop. We've somehow conditioned ourselves that going from one activities to the next is a good thing. If you've ever driven a stick shift car, you know how much different the experience is from an automatic. You

take off faster from the stop lights, you accelerate quicker out of traffic, but best of all, you are in control of what the engine does. With an automatic it's all so...well, automatic. There is no thinking involved. The car just does it all for you. But with an a stick (or standard) you get to decide when the engine shifts gears. I believe God has made life to be the same way. Instead of letting our calendars, activities and projects (all of which may be good things) control our pace, we must figure out how and when to go from one event to the next. Otherwise, we lose our joy in the journey. I regularly meet parents who love their kids but resent their every-other-weekend soccer tournaments. I meet pastors who love ministry but loathe the endless church calendar of events. Somewhere along the way they end up feeling trapped by life. But God meant for life to be full and exciting and rewarding.

There is one other small details about a stick shift engine that go easily unnoticed. Whenever you shift the engine from one gear to the next there is a brief second when the engine is in neutral. The car doesn't just amp itself up from zero to sixty. It goes something like this: You hit the accelerator, the car speeds up, it gets to a maximum speed in that gear so you shift [pause] and suddenly the car is able to go even faster.

Far too often in our lives we go from one activity to the next fueling ourselves from the rush of the last event thinking we are somehow superhuman and have an endless reservoir of energy. We miss the importance of the pause. That brief moment to shift into neutral. To catch our breath. To reflect on why we are even on this journey in the first place.

The Missing Seventh Day

God himself is our example of how to enjoy the pause. We all know the story. It's one of the first story you learn if you grew up in church: in six day God created the earth, then on the seventh day He rested. It's not just the story of how the earth was created. It also speaks into the rhythm of creation and what should be a healthy rhythm for us as well.

Creativity and Productivity are a good thing. But in order to take full advantage of the creativity, gifts, and abilities God has given me, I must be willing to rest and enjoy the pause. If I don't let my engine have that brief second to shift into neutral, it would burn out the engine. I'm realizing that the same is true of my life.

I wish I could say I've got this whole thing figured out but I don't. Just like most people, I easily fall back into a routine of letting my day control me instead of me controlling my day. But the past few years have been a great exercise in trying to be a different kind of family. One that finds time to invest in one another. One that stops and enjoys a book or game together. One that doesn't feel the need to always be "on the go." It's a shift I love more every week.

Keeping Your Teen Safe on New Year's Eve

Keeping Your Teen Safe on New Year's Eve Tips To Make Sure the Big Party is Good For Your Teen by Brian Housman Even for teens that typically make good decisions, New Year’s Eve can become a night of bad choices. From party hopping to excess alcohol to poor adult supervision--a New Year’s Eve Party might be a parent’s worst nightmare. There are several reasons why "good kids" end up doing bad things on New Year's. One is the cultural/social mystique associated with New Year's Eve. Generations of movies, TV shows, and school gossip have built up the New Year Eve party as the end all of parties. It's sort of like the mid-year prom where everyone is expected to hook up with someone, drink lots of alcohol, and dance the night away. All the build up puts pressure on teens, particularly girls, that "I must have a date" or at the very least be kissed. And who cares if you like him or not at least Father Time didn't find you all alone. The second reason to be careful of New Years is because many teens see it as a release from the norm and excuse to do things out of the ordinary. A teen might think, "I've made great grades this semester. I deserve to live it up for a night," or even "So what if I drink too much. With all my friends around nothing will happen to me." The problem is not one normal kid who ends up doing something foolish. It's the culmination of so many of them at one time acting foolish that causes problems.

Look for a Way to Say "Yes" to Party

Just because it is a potentially dangerous night doesn't mean teens shouldn't be allowed to party. But perhaps you can party in a different way than what we saw in the movies growing up. Or worse, what we did ourselves growing up.

Who your teen parties with and where the party is is not as important to him/her as the fact that they want to party period. So instead of letting them wander out the door with their friends why not keep them at your house. If my son asks me if he can have his own New Years Eve party or go out with his friends to a party, my answer will always be, "Heck yeah, let's have a party here!" I would much rather him play host to a bunch of his friends, and me be the invisible servant, than I would him be anywhere else. I know it will get the house messy and I know I will be up late and I know I won't get as much sleep but believe me it is MUCH BETTER than the alternative.

Another option is to have a multifamily party. The past three years our family has jointed together with a dozen other families to have an incredible New Years Blast. The adults take over the living room for games, food, and conversation while the teens and kids herd themselves off in another part of the house for their own party. It's been so much fun being able to spend the New Years with friends knowing that my kids are having a great time on their own just a few rooms over. This way we all arrive together, we all go home together, they get space to have fun their own way, and EVERYBODY IS SAFE.

If your teen going out to a party without you is the only option, then there are some things you must do to make this as safe as possible. Sit down with them before agreeing to let them go. Explain that him/her having time with friends is important to you as well but you want to make sure it is a positive experience for all. Having him get left at a strange house while his friends moved on to another party is not a positive experience. Nor is you having to sit up until 2AM worried if everything is okay. He has to first agree to some common sense safety tips. Explain that you expect these to be followed not because you are a stick in the mud but because these are things any responsible person would do. Make them look you in the eyes and say with their mouth that they agree to these simple measures. Print these off for your teen. Read over them together. Maybe even have them initial each one as a way I saying, "I agree."

Teen Tips for New Year's Safety

_____ 1. Know Your Destination.
You must know where you are going, how you plan to get there, and when you plan to arrive. Your parent needs a phone call when you arrive so they know you got there.

_____ 2. Stay Off the Road.
Traffic accidents are the #1 cause of death among your peers. We all want you to have a great time and not become a statistic. Even if you are a safe driver, it's not you that is the problem. It's all the other people out there out there who drank a little too much.

_____ 3. Alcohol is Off Limits.
For one it is illegal for you. Two, of all nights for you to possibly drink this is the worst. The pressure for you to fit in, party like there is no tomorrow, and to "hook up" with someone are a bad recipe to add alcohol to. Every year there are more than 50,000 alcohol related sexual assaults toward teens and young adults. We don't want you to be one of them.

_____ 4. Don't Accept Drinks from Others.
This is not about alcohol. It is about any kind of drink. It is now a common practice at large parties for drinks to get "spiked" with everything from alcohol to illegal and prescription drugs. The best bet is to take your own water bottle and only drink from it. If you drink something at the party, pour it yourself. If you put it down for any reason and come back, get a fresh drink.

_____ 5. Leave With Who You Came With
This is a great way for your group to watch out for one another. Get everyone in your group to agree together that you all leave together. This also helps one of your friends from getting talked into "hooking up" with someone, leaving without anyone knowing, and regretting it forever after.

_____ 6. Call If You Change Locations.
Except for an emergency you should stay at the same place. No party hopping. Hopping from party to party only puts you back on the road with the "crazies" and creates an escalation in your mind that the next party has to get bigger and better. This leads to people (or you) creating unsafe scenarios for fun. If for some reason you have to leave for another location, call your parent so they know in case there is an emergency.

_____ 7. Call As You Head Home
Mom and Dad don't care what time it is (even if you missed curfew), they want to know when to be expecting you. If hours go by without a call from you, then they will worry. Remember all of these tips are so this party is a positive experience for everyone

_____ 8. Look Out for the Safety of Your Friends
Even if you are doing everything right doesn't mean all your friends (or other guests) will. Make sure no one is trying to take advantage of your friend or trying to get them to do something stupid. If your friend does drink do not, repeat DO NOT let them leave with keys in their hand. In that moment it's not about you being popular. It's about making sure your friend makes it home.

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Here is a recent interview I did on FOX News GMM talking about these safety tips. Feel free to forward this posting to other parents of teens. Let's make sure this New Years is safe and positive for all of our teens.